I must remember that I am in control, and that is only what I chose to make it.
I wanted to live a better, fuller life. That will not happen from the couch. I must step outside the door to be wowed; awe will not knock on my door.

I am taking steps. I have grown comfortable in my base of operations, and feel that now is the best time to strike.
I am slowly making the motions to make my goals come to fruition.

I must remember that I am in control. This is not an overnight process, and it will take effort.
But it is only what I chose to make of it.

I feel like I'm always in a state of moving, or having just moved.
I am tired of boxes and tape and labels and garbage bags.
I'm tired of getting used to new places, just to leave them.

12 days and it's goodbye, Michigan!

So strange. So.. not really real yet.
Worryworryworry.
Frettfrettfrett.
Shit.

My last day at Beggar's is in 19 days.
My birthday is in 21.
And I leave the state in 23.

I'm feeling pretty confidant. I have an apartment, and an amount of money that will get me through (maybe barely, but still through) September. I have feelings of regret in that there are so many beautiful faces I don't wish to stop seeing. But I'm thrilled at the idea of meeting new ones. And, really, how many of these kids am I truly attached to?

More than I was expecting.
But not enough to stay.
And so I'm going.

Life will be good.
It'll be what I make it.
And that's comforting.


But my only concern - what the HELL do I do with all the shit I'm not taking with me?
Yard sales aren't doing the trick.....

I'm so restless. I sleep all day, go to work, and idle away my night infront of the computer. I don't even do anything useful.

I have so many things I need to do. I shall make a list:

-Get another part time job
-Buy cat crates that pass airline specs
-Find out how much cat sedatives cost (and get them)
-Call apartments in WA (set up lease signing)
-Get letters of Rec from Penny and Cisco
-Sell furniture/various belongings (TV's, grill, plate ware)
-Donate unwanted clothes
-Buy boxes
-Pay Damon back
-Find out cat laws for WA
-Find out about sanitation tests in WA
-Change voice mail message
-Sell books/school note books
-Update resume
-Suspend gym membership


There are probably many things I'm forgetting.

Life seems like a chore, with such a fabulous new beginning so close.


I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can  I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can

97 days.
In 97 days I will be getting on a plane and leaving mostly everything I've ever known.

Sometimes I can't stand to wait another three months. I frequently get incredibly frustrated with my current surroundings and just want to leave everything behind now. I so badly want to meet new people, do new things - see the mountains, swim in the ocean. I want to actually learn things at work. I want to expand and grow, and feel like Michigan is too small for me these days.

And other times I have tiny panic attacks where I question everything I'm doing and everything I've done. I worry that I'm being hasty, I'm being foolish, childish, immature. I worry that instead of searching out the answers I'm looking from I'm really just running away from the realities.

I worry that I'm going to crash and burn.

I know I have nothing to worry about. I know this is a normal reaction to facing this kind of thing.
But I sure would like to get over it.

However, a reasonable worry is that I won't get everything done in time, and that I won't have the proper financial parameters to pull this off.

But. The tickets are bought and paid for. So, no real backing out no, eh?

And then the rain began to fall
and the puddles swelled around me


Dear LiveJournal,
        Hi. It's me again. I know I haven't really been around a lot. I know that I tend to make promises I can't keep. But I also know that when it comes down to it, in the lonely moments of my life when I just need to say something - you're the only place I can turn to.

I'd like to say I knew what the hell is going on in my life. Or where the hell it's going. But I honestly don't. I'd like to say that I'm happy, and content, and moderately okay with everything, but I'm not really sure I can. I feel like I'm in a middle ground. And middle ground is such a hard place to be. I always feel like all of the good things are somehow coming to close, and that I don't have enough time to really start anything else before I go. If I go. When I Go.

I really really really want to believe I'm going. I'm telling myself I'm going. But these things have such a habit of screwing me over in the last moment.

No, no, I am going. I will be gone. I will just be a memory on your lips and hearts.

I really really like my job. I do. I love the kids I work with with all of my heart. And I've never really been more serious about that statement. I've always said that kitchens were like second families, but it is more true with this place than any other I've experienced. And it isn't just the kitchen - the whole staff is wonderful. And I love them all. And it sucks.

Let me explain.
I'm leaving in 8 months. And I'm trying really really hard to make the leave easy for me. Regardless of how retarded it is to cut myself off, and I know that regardless of what steps I take to make the move easier - it will be everything but easy. Moving to Lansing is one thing.. but across the country is a totally different thing. I won't be able to run home when I have a bad day. There will be no more impromptu trips to see high school friends. Seeing my loved ones will take planning, and waiting - and sadly - considerable amounts of money.

But is any of this really a deterrent? No.
I guess not.

I feel like I've dead ended at 21.
I hate that I'm 21, but the way. I used to think that what ever age you are is the best age to be. Not true. I wish I were 19 again. I'm not afraid of getting old - but I don't like these in-between years that have these stupid connotations to them.
I wish I still had the vibrant faith I had in High School. Before Kyle, before Hunter - when I was stupidly naive. and happy.

I had the first nightmare I can remember since I was like.. Eight years old.

First, I was living back in Glencoe hills, with my family, although it was more like current day.. Kind of. I was younger than I am now, but older than I was then. But that's not really important.

I had a stalker. And not a "I really like you but just don't understand normal behavior" kind of stalker... Like, the kind that kills and tortures to get to his... victim. Or whatever. There were reported incidents of this guy like.. skinning people, carving flesh, maiming within an inch of life, and then nourishing back to health just to do it all over again. And he was in love with me. And he was doing these things to prove this to me.

He.. was doing all of these things from far away. It was known that he did his torturing in a totally different state, but at the same time I would sometimes see him outside my window. And I guess I had been changing addresses and phone numbers a lot, because at one point he called me and I freaked out that he found my number again. And he sent me a package containing pictures of his most recent victims, along with a letter about how much he loved me and how nothing would keep us apart for long.

I woke up at least three times through out this dream. Actively making an effort to clear my mind of the dream, and think of something else, but every time I fell back asleep the dream continued where it last left off.

I remember crying hysterically after receiving the package, and Damon holding me on the couch while I was calling my mother to tell her what was going on. And then suddenly, there was a plan...

He had found my house somehow. He barged in very dramatically, and suddenly everyone else in the apartment with me was gone. He didn't hurt me, just scared me a lot. At first he went mad about how could I let us stay apart for so long, and how I have no idea how grateful I should be... Eventually I calmed him down and talked him into watching a movie.. so that we could be close and just enjoy time together. He went along with it, and somehow - either via text message, or a phone call in code, I conveyed that I had him in the apartment, and my father brought some special government force to arrest and detain him.

And then... everything was fine.
Life went on like nothing had happened....

Left me in a VERY weird mood.

(Which, really, is why I'm still awake now. I have a weird feeling that I'll have it again, or another one.. or something.)

        

 I get really uncomfortable when people praise me to my face. I'd like to think I'm fairly graceful at accepting compliments, and I do like hearing them, but really - hearing them second hand is much much better. A good friend of mine has started a new job at a place I frequent - a place where everyone knows me by name, and we're all friends. My recently hired friend has told me that her boss, one of my favorite reasons for going to said establishment, is quite fond of me. Apparently I'm one of his favorite people in the world (his words, not hers) which has me floating. 

I didn't really doubt that he was fond of me (and we're not talking in the romantic way), but the confirmation is very welcomed. 

I didn't really realize it until the phone call earlier today, but I guess I've been feeling kind of down. While I've mostly had an awesome summer, absolutely nothing I planned  happened. I took the time off work to hang out with Jon, which barely happened, travel, which didn't at all, and just feel at ease - which is a hard thing to do, regardless of what's on your plate. I go back to work tomorrow and I really don't have a response for the question I'm going to be asked about 100 times - "How was your trip?"

Well, there wasn't one. Would I really be lying if I just simplified everything as just said "It was good. But I'm glad to be back."? It's weird to declare you don't want to talk about something everyone else wants to talk about. I'm not really sure how its going to go over, or really, why I'm worrying about it.

I'm ready to go back to Lansing. I've come face to face with why I left Ann Arbor. 
It's like....

Ann Arbor is the dirty living room you really like to spend time in, cuz it's easier to hang out and chill in. But Lansing is my bedroom, where everything is neat and in order - and just the way I like things. 

Never would I have thought I'd be happy to be away from Ann Arbor. Strange how things can change.

Moving out west in a year?
Looks like it.

Swimmingly.

Yea, I guess things are looking up.

I love love love my new apartment.
Can't say that enough.
Life is grand.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!

I pulled her out of my closet about two weeks ago. At first, she didn't do much - just sat around hopefully. I brought her out and tuned her while some friends did band practice, and since then she's come out a few times. I played her for a good hour early today, when I had to stop because my hand started aching in a very worrisome fashion. But now, many hours later, I find myself wanting to pull her out again.

I can't express how warmfuzzyhappy that makes me. :)

:):)

Sitting in on another family's get together turned out to be rather depressing. It wasn't as much fun as I was hoping it would be, but thats probably my own doing.

I really really wish I had a big family, that got along, and was completely involved in my life. But.. thats really never going to happen.
At least, not unless I meet someone and become a part of their family.. in which case, it'll be nice, but still just not the same. The people who were around to see my shining moments as a shin surfer just aren't of the calibur I wish to have in my daily life. I can't stand the vast majority of the people in my family, and those I do love don't understand me in the slightest, thus making that level of closeness I long for nearly impossible. They love me, and support me, sure. But they don't really comprehend, and thus can't ever really be a solid back board for me.

I am yet again realizing my vast level of alone-ness, and how all of it is my doing. And regardless of how much I wish it weren't true, I'm also not willing to change it.

I wish you could chose your family coming into the world.
I would have passed on this one.



And, for the record, I'm done hoping, too.

I have this problem - I really want certain things in life. There aren't many, but a few. And for the most part, I'm really good at making them happen. I don't often take bullshit from people, and while I'm generous and unselfish, I do put myself as a priority.

Why is it, then, that with certain leaps, I just can't find the courage to jump?

In eight days I will be moving into a new apartment.
In two weeks I will (hopefully) be on the road.
In three weeks I will be getting scarred.
In fourish weeks, I will be back to work.

I miss Lansing. I miss the routine I had. I miss the Twins, Tommy, Zulma. Not to mention my girls...
I miss sleeping in my bed.

I'm exciting for the up coming year. I'm excited to return. I have a really good feeling about life, from here on out. Its a good feeling...

There's been a severe lack of creativity in my life as of late. This should change. I haven't painted in quite some time....
I haven't even really been writing lately.

Dribble.

I love my life. Currently I'm very infatuated with it.
I have great friends. I love the kids I'm moving in with. There are promising things coming my way....

I've decided that I can't move back to Ann Arbor, due to fear of falling into a routine that will prevent me from furthering myself. And I wasn't sure that Lansing wasn't the answer either, but I was really trying to talk myself into it. I guess I just don't like the idea of uprooting again. I don't like the thought of boxes, and long car rides just to be unsure of my situation and surroundings. It wasn't fun, ever, It's not really something I'd like to do again. But I'm beginning to wonder even more if Lansing really is the answer or not. I have a good job - I mean, it's furthering me in ways I didn't think about - but I do believe I've fallen into a routine.

I can potentially secure a position in this job that will not only teach me a lot, but help me out down the road a great deal. But I don't do anything here but work. Seriously. I have no friends outside of work, aside from the two or three that I had before I moved out here - but I never hang out with them. I go to work, and stay at work, even off the clock, and then come home to hide away in my room.

I guess I'm just concerned of burning out because I don't know what else to do but work. This whole not going to school thing is awesome - except that school is how I've always met people.

I kind of just lost my train of thought with this.

I so much want to see other parts of this country, but at the same time don't want to know what I'm missing out on.

I suppose after several months of nothing I should write a little more.

Working at a bar is very interesting. I only know one other person who doesn't drink, and only a handful who don't smoke. Most of them are good people, a few of them are exceptional. And mostly, I feel like I've found a niche. I have to say its very hard to break walls when you don't participate in the number one pass time, but mostly they're all accepting of me and how I come.

But I am so tired of drunken confessions. It gets really uncomfortable for me when several people do nothing but talk me up when they're drunk, and then act the normal amount of friendly when sober. I just really wish people would tell me they thought I was amazing when they were sober, or not at all. I feel like the drunken stupor that follows devalues the attempt to move closer.

I feel a much stronger urge to learn how to drive now, though, seeing as how I spend most of my nights out with drunk people. One of the girls I work with is going to teach me how to drive her stick shift, which I am very excited about.

It's such a weird feeling for me - I am so behind in so many aspects of the typical college life style, but so ahead in other ones. For example, I've never driven a car, but I am so past the parties and random hook ups. I just don't feel my age, in the slightest.

I miss Ann Arbor, a lot. And I miss being around people I have real history with. But I know that history takes time, and I'll never get that outside of Ann Arbor if I don't stick it out in other places and situations.

I'm becoming so impatient when it comes to my body modifications. I so badly want to go get them now - waiting is proving to be difficult - which I can only take as a good sign.

I need a second job.
Badly.

Turning points come at the weirdest moments in time.

So it's probably safe to say that my heart is broken.
Into a thousand million pieces. And a big gust of wind just blew by, ensuring that repair is improbable.

This city.
This... place.
I never knew that such simplistic everyday things could bear so heavily. Could weigh so much. Could.. impact.

Oh, mio dio. I seem to have lost my way again.